Incase You Hadn’t Heard: The Diarrhea Bucket Challenge is SWEEPING the Nation

Yup.

If you haven’t heard of the Diarrhea Bucket Challenge, you’re just not one of the cool kids – sorry.

Raising awareness of how easy it is to dump ice water on yourself in the summer.

Doing it the hard way since ’83.You’re welcome, people.Oh, and because I didn’t get the ice bucket part done in the 24-hour limit – I gave my hundo

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New Nicki Minaj Video Will Give You Nightmares…

…and by nightmares I mean boners.

Holy.

Shit.

How am I supposed to carry out a normal life after watching that?

I have regular, every day, adult activities to do like go to work and purchase groceries.

I can’t even focus.  I can’t drive in this condition.  You can’t expect me to safely operate a motor-vehicle when all six liters of blood in my body is trapped inside my wiener.  What the hell.

There’s nothing wrong with being gay or dead, but if this video doesn’t make it move a little bit you definitely fit into one of those two groups of people.

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Uhmm, hey Nicki, your yoga pants are falling down and I think I might be able to see part of your undawears.

Total Oops!

I can’t believe editing didn’t pick up on this.  Total wardrobe malfunction.  Unbelievable that with the budgets they have to make videos like this that a glaring mistake this huge slips by.  Oh, well.

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Oh man, another big-time screw-up: those are only two pound weights.  I get that they probably had to do 100 takes or whatever and they didn’t want Nicki’s arms getting all sore, but come on, people.  Whatever happened to the importance of realism in cinema?  Nobody would ever curl two-pounders.  Save those things for kickbacks and butterflies.

Happy Birthday, Lou Bega!

Happy Birthday, Lou Bega!

Can’t believe it was 15 years ago that Mambo Number Five was sweeping the nation.

Even more surprising?

Lou Bega is German.

Uhmm, what?

Lou Bega? As in Mambo Number Five Lou Bega? Is from Germany?

Yup. In the long line of mainstream Latin pop hits, one just happens to be by a guy that was born, raised, and currently lives in Germany.

Germany? You mean the LEAST Latin country in the world is responsible for Mambo Number Five?

I feel like I’ve been lied to for a decade and a half.

Where’s the outrage? Where’s the media coverage?

You wouldn’t think for one second that La Bamba, or Rico Suave, or Livin La Vida Loca came out of Belgium or Sweden or some other European country where their only music is dudes in suspenders blowing into long horns like it’s a fucking cough drop commercial, so how the fuck were we supposed to know Mambo Number Five was German.

My whole world is crumbling.

Happy Birthday, Lou. I hope you’re happy.

 

Think I Found My (and Your) New Summer Look…

I think Deion Sanders said it best, “if you look good – you feel good, if you feel good – you play good, if you play good – they pay good”.  With summer on it’s way, it’s a perfect time for you ladies and fellas to make sure you’re looking you’re best, feeling your best, playing your best, and ultimately getting paid the best.

So, I’ve been mentally shopping for the new in look.  Like, what’s gonna be the hot shit in the streets this summer?

Well, I think I came up with the perfect pan-gender, sexually appealing, whole-world-wants-my-to-bang-me look.

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Sometimes you gotta just follow the greats.

Sex appeal, sex appeal, sex appeal.

Rod and Tina.

It doesn’t matter if you’re male or female, gay or straight – that photo just awoke your animal instincts.  There’s been an energy shift in your underwears and it’s perfectly natural.  Embrace it.

I never realized it until now, but two of the greatest pop acts of all time have the exact same gorgeous, bleached-out light-socket hair and jean-jacket swag.

Like a uniform for team greatness.

Do the legends make the look?  Or does the look make the legends?

Who gives a shit?!?

Where the fuck is my jean jacket – I’m late for a hair appointment.

 

P.S. I just revitalized your sex life.  You’re welcome.

Hipsters, Please Wear Temperature-Appropriate Outfits

Hey, all you hipster pieces of garbage, cut the shit.

We get it, you’re fucking cooler than cool.

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I just want to ask one favor:  PLEASE, stop wearing stupid shit that doesn’t go with the climate.

Scarves are nice, I have no problem with them… unless you’re wearing them for a reason other than keeping your neck warm.  If you’re somewhere that it’s warm enough that you have either a tank-top or T-shirt on – then you don’t need to also wear a scarf.  So fucking cut it out.

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Oh, nice winter hat.  Wear it in the winter, you piece of shit.  Don’t wear it while you’re in a heated building because you think you’re some sort of artist, or musician, or super-deep, philosophical, misunderstood bro that can only express their true self by wearing a winter hat inside.  Fuck you.

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If you live in Los Angeles – it’s 75 fucking degrees every single day.  You shouldn’t even own a scarf or winter hat.

Just fucking stop it, hipsters.  I get that you’re trying to look douchey, but I think a lot of you are doing too good of a job.  Also, seems to me like you all weigh a-buck-thirty-five.  People are going to start punching you in the face.

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You spent a lot of your parents’ money on those stupid scarves and hats and you’re gonna be even more emotional than you want people to think you are when those fancy items are covered in your own hipster-blood.

Hey Dunkin, Get a Clue, Your Coffee Blows

Hey Dunkin, get a fucking clue…

Your coffee fucking blows.

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Friends Don’t Let Friends Drink Starbucks?!

Are you fucking shitting me?!

I saw this disgusting piece of shit T-Shirt at a Dunkin Donuts yesterday about 2 minutes before I got a disgusting piece of shit iced coffee.  Not sure why I do it to myself, but approximately once every two to three months – usually when I’m on the road or in a hurry – I give Dunkin’ Donuts coffee another chance.  Stupid move.  It’s fucking awful.  All of it.  Total garbage.  Sorry.

I want a shirt that says something like: Friends Don’t Let Friends Use Their Bathroom if They’ve Had Dunkin’ Coffee.

I think it makes you poop so fast because it is in fact, already poop.

Perhaps the human body processes Dunkin’ coffee at an incredibly rapid rate because it recognizes it as already digested waste.  I imagine the second it hits your stomach, some nerve in the lining of the stomach says “Hmm, that’s weird, I could have sworn we already processed this.  Yup, it looks like feces and smells like feces – the palette just signaled and according to the taste buds it’s definitely feces.  I have no clue how this shit got here, fast track all this out through the anus immediately.”

 

I hear some people try to make the argument against drinking higher quality coffee and it makes no fucking sense at all.

They say things like “I’m not gonna pay $5 for a Starbucks’ latte when I can just spend $1 at Dunkin’ Donuts.”

Ummm… OK, you fucking imbecile.  That would be like me saying “I’m not gonna pay $25 for a delicious lobster and filet dinner when I can spend $5 to hire a homeless man to spray diarrhea down my throat.”

The quality of the experience is so different that you simply can’t compare the two.

Is Starbucks coffee the best in the world?  Certainly not.  Is it overpriced?  Absolutely.  But is it worth paying a few extra dollars per day to have a decent beverage instead of a foam cup full of liquid feces?  Well, I sure think so.

Remember:

America Gets The Runs On Dunkin’

If You’re Not Sleeping Naked, You’re a Total Psychopath

If you are sleeping with clothes on, there’s almost certainly something wrong with you and you definitely should not be trusted.  You’re obviously a terrible decision-maker.

Even underwear feels like a straight-jacket for your genitals when you’re trying to doze off.

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How could you sleep with clothes on?  Do you shower with clothes on too?  You’re doing it wrong.  It doesn’t make any sense.

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You can’t actually believe that wearing clothes to bed is comfortable.

You say, “Oh, but I’m always cold at bed time, my jammies keep me warm”.

Fuck you, that’s what blankets are for, you idiot.

You say, “Not my blankets, my blankets are uncomfortable”.

You’re sleeping in clothes because of a bedding issue?  It’s even simpler than I thought.

What kind of household are you running?  Where’d you get such shitty blankets, anyway?  Are you a child currently living and therefor also sleeping in a 1950’s state-run orphanage?  Are you a Native American tribesman that just got swindled out of your land by some pale-faces and all you got out of the deal was some smallpox-ridden, itchy, wool blankets?  Are you an old person with polio and you sleep with the same uncomfortable blankets that you use to cover your withered polio legs during the day?

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Chances are you aren’t any of those things.  No excuse.  Time to step your blanket game up.

Do yourself a favor, invest 40 minutes and $60 in a trip to Bed, Bath, and Beyond and get a good comforter.  It’s called a “comforter” for a reason – those things are cozy as fuck.  We spend roughly a third of our lives in bed, may as well make the most of your time.

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Make sure you get something really classy and elegant.

Have nice sheets and a good bed, too. You’re worth it, even if you aren’t smart enough to figure this stuff out for yourself.

You’re welcome, people.  Sleep tight.

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